This morning I was awoken by a strange and vivid dream. Andrew Strauss, the size of a Japanese movie monster was marching south across Brisbane, crushing cars and smashing tall glass-fronted buildings with a bat the size of a bus, while residents scattered like ants at his feet.

As he approached Woollongabba, you could see the Gabba cricket ground was draped in an enormous banana skin. Strausszilla approaches the ground, lifts an enormous foot to smash the stands but slips on this giant yellow trap, rolling into the Brisbane river, getting washed out to sea where he is eaten by sharks.

Now, I’ve seen Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and I know the significance of dreams and my guess this one indicates that England’s preparations have gone far too well. Under pressure batsman Colly, Cook and co, have got runs. The bowlers have all taken wickets and everyone has acclimatised well to conditions and built confidence. For Christ sake England even won a three day tour match, which by design are very difficult to win.

Surely something MUST go wrong soon. This dream is a warning that I am allowing myself to believe England can win the ashes in Australia.

I just hope the heat, bounce and thousands of baying Aussies at a ground which is basically a fortress, isn’t the giant fucking banana skin, it could so easily be.

Another explanation is I ate a pound of Stilton then fell asleep with Godzilla on the TV.


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