Five Reasons Why England Won The Ashes

1) Arse feeling – psychologically, proving you are a real man, not a metrosexual tanned Australian with oiled up guns was key. By England’s constant arse fondling on the pitch they demonstrate a complete comfort and confidence in their own manhood and sexuality, driving home their er… advantage.

 

2) The sprinkler – a juvenile dance done by drunk uncles at Australian weddings or the perfect exercise for an elite cricketer? ‘Sprinkling’ introduced by England’s strength and conditioning coach builds muscles essential for bowling, fielding and spending long periods batting at the crease. The three elements England did better for 80% of the series.

 

3) Kevin Pietersen – yes he made a double hundred but this is not the reason he should receive accolades. KP rightly claims complete credit for the win. He chose not to go back in time in his Delorean, crack onto Andrew Strauss’s mum in the under the sea dance at her school, make her fall in love with him thus ensuring she never met Strauss’s father and Andrew was never born and could not captain England.

 

4) Mitch Johnson – in the initial pre-series briefing, Ponting explained to Mitch he was to be the shock bowler of the team. Mitch understood this to mean to bowl shocking deliveries. This is the second series where MJ has contributed significantly to England’s ashes victory and the plan to throw their wickets away to Johnson in the Perth test to keep him in the team was a sound one.

 

5) The Australian Press – wow, what a vicious bunch of bastards. Headlines like “harm these men if you see them” not going to help your confidence as you walk out to 20,000 English fans.

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